I get to go to Joyful Journey Hot Springs with 3 dear friends for the next 2 nights. I am really looking forward to women time, soaking time, sleeping time, hiking time, away from work time, and away from home time. Right now I am feeling very tired around the edges. Yesterday was a really good and really long day. I was on the phone coaching or talking from 9am until 9pm with an intuitive reading in the late afternoon at my client’s house. As I was doing my Evening Practice, I realized that I was feeling scared. Actual fear about how busy I am and that I am not, cannot, get it all done. I have alot of detailed, focused work that has to get done, and ‘m not sure when or how that will happen. I feel as though I am on surfboard trying really hard to stay up and stay on the crest of the wave. I can picture my arms flailing – and that I have gotten pulled out of my belly by fear and concern, by my not trusting the wave, or myself to ride it.
Right after writing that last night, I came across this quote, and I can’t even remember where I found it:
Life is a wave. Your attitude is your surfboard. Stay stoked & aim for the light!
What a gift of synchronicity to receive this. OK, my attitude is my surfboard. And I know that I want my attitude to be one of trust, confidence, embelliment, and joy.
I choose to ride the wave of my life from the intention that everything that needs to get done does get done at the perfect time with clarity, focus, ease and grace. I am riding the wave with LUMINOSITY.
And so it is.
Short post today so that I can get ready to go. I’ll be back on Sunday or Monday.
Suseya!
Sahara
I just had a huge a-ha!
I was speaking my spiritual focus out loud, and added a few words to it repetively.
I CULTIVATE COMPASSION FOR MONEY AND MYSELF. I HEAL THE SPLIT WITH MONEY and myself (just added.) I ENGAGE DIRECTLY WITH MONEY and myself. I BECOME A SIGNIFICANT INCOME ALLOWER.
Oh my god, money and myself. How are they the same? How does money reflect me? How is money me? Is money me? Are they connected? Money as a mirror for me? Really?
Literally moments before I had the thought that I split from money when I got married. I split from the masculine because I no longer had to carry it in me. I was now married to it. Masculine became external. I split from money, power, and the masculine in me when I married Steve, the external masculine.
I stopped making money, earning money, generating money when I got married.
OK. Got that.
How is money me? I was so glad to get away from it. Money had been so mean, bullying and arrogant. How does that reflect me?
Oh…it is that part of me that criticizes me, sabotages me, tells me how wrong, stupid and bad I am. It is my inner bully, my most vicious saboteur.
When I got married, I married into the illusion that I was now so loved by another that I would no longer have to deal with the inner critics and berating inner voices. I was now so loved that I wouldn’t have to deal with the inner bully. My husband would take care him…and me.
I had earned and saved enough money before I got married to travel and work in England for a year, travel and work in Australia for a half year, and work at a yoga retreat center in Montana for 6 months. I always had enough to do what I wanted to do and to manifest my dreams. It was pretty simple before I got married.
Then, I got married. I stopped earning money. I gave away my masculine power to earn money. I gave it away, just like that without even realizing it. I gave it away unconsciously. I gave it away out of buying into crazy, archaic, disempowering beliefs about how marriage is supposed to be and who I am supposed to be as a “wife.”
I gave away and split from that part of myself that was not only masculine, but also the critical, vicious, arrogant masculine the Big White Male in me that loved to keep me small, safe and inferior.
I grew up around BWMs. I went to college with lots of them. It seems that the places I have chosen to be have lots of BWMs. I have learned over the years how to navigate around them. I stay quiet, wary, alert, and for the most part, invisible. Their energy is very familiar to me. I find them self centered, shallow, single minded, arrogant, not intelligent, disconnected, heartless. They are partiers and players, who live as though life is one big game or party and the next conquest. They reflect the worst of the masculine attributes. They are willing to go to war, to start wars, to act superior, to use people, to use (up) people and resources.
When I was first married, I found Women’s Reality – An Emerging Female System by Anne Wilson Shaef. I was so excited. I found a book that spoke what I was feeling and what was my intuitive truth. Yes, yes, yes. I shared my enthusiasm with Steve, who immediately reacted to Schaef’s descriptions of the White Male System. He took it as a personal attack. After all, he is a white male. My response to his reaction – I shut down. I put the book away and eventually got rid of it. I couldn’t ever read it again. Steve was right and I was wrong. (Notice the either/or split here.) The craziness here is that Steve may be white and he may be male, but he is not a Big White Male. I couldn’t have, wouldn’t have been with him or married him if he was. Still, the White Male System is the water he swims in as a white male.
I am really struck by that I have been looking at these issues now for well over 20 years. You can put stuff away, repress it, hide it, dismiss it, and yet…if it is truly a part of you to explore, to wrestle with, to engage with, to come to terms with, to integrate, you will…at some point, somehow. We think that we can control these things, but one thing I’ve learned is that our soul’s mission is bigger and stronger than we are! If you close one door, then guess what…another window opens.
Four years ago, I unexpectedly fell in love with a BWM. It wasn’\t love – it was the deepest and most profound attraction I have ever experienced in my life. I had known this man in college – I actually went out of my first college date with him. We only went out that once, but when I saw him at our 25th college reunion, I was magnetized to him like a bee to honey. He was the most gorgeous, sexy BWM that I had crossed paths with in a long time. When we reconnect, it was so unexpected and thrilling that I honestly didn’t know what had hit me. Our mutual attraction was so delicious, mutual, and intoxicating. I felt alive, awakened, ignited and passionate. All this with no sex – not even a kiss.
This experience was the catalyst I mentioned in an earlier blog. Catalyst with a capital “C”. It felt like a fire had come in and swept through my body, my life and my marriage. There was a part of me that wanted to see him again, connect with him sexually and explore those parts of me that had fallen asleep over 20 years of marriage. We stayed in touch via email and texting, yet it wasn’t about getting together, having an affair, or anything like that, but it was about the mutual attraction and connection we shared.
I was in my life, but not of it. I felt as though I had been ignited, but I didn’t know what to do with it. Steve and I went through a very intense time together. And yes, I told him about this very soon after returning home from the reunion. Why share all of this? Because this experience has been the most intense, transformational, unpredicted catalysts for me. My life changed forever four years ago, and I knew I had a choice to make that only I could make.
I could have made it all about him. Believe me, I was tempted, sorely tempted by the illusion, the power of the sexual feelings, the fairy tale of being rescued by my prince, the BWM who was so gorgeous and wonderful that I let down my guard, let go of my judgments, and totally justified my fantasy view of him. A part of me was not above this. I felt like any other pathetic woman who would give up her life and soul to be with a man. Ridiculous. Thank God I was held by close friends and protected by Spirit. It was not about me being with this man. It was about me waking up to who I truly am. It was about me experiencing the fires of passion to cleanse my cells, awaken my Spirit, and to question what I had created and the complacency I had fallen into.
What’s really wild about all of this is that I had a powerful dream a few weeks before going to my reunion that I was making love with a man at my reunion. I was totally enjoying it too. Then I woke up with a start, and sat straight up in bed. What? That is not why I am going to my reunion. No way. I am going for…blah,blah, blah. I got really clear, and went back to sleep.
I did not make love with this man, or even kiss him. But the way I felt even being around him I might as well have. Honestly, from the second I first saw him I felt as though I was riding a divine wave that simply was carrying me. This was so much bigger than me. I felt as though I was experiencing a synchronicity on every level and at the same time, an ancient reunion with a part of myself I had long forgotten. I am aware of this only now. At the time, it felt like a reunion with my divine complement, my twin soul. The whole experience was so familiar and totally new and exhilarating at the same time. It was the paradox. It was, no question, the highest high, the biggest peak experience of my life.
I have been making sense (oh, there that is – making sense) of this experience for 4 years. I have explained it, processed it, from every angle. I have even had intuitive readings about it! There are so many blessings and gifts, and I am so grateful that I got to have this peak experience without the messiness of an affair or an ongoing relationship. I received the benefits and the lessons without the drama, loss and total destruction that often can accompany an event like this. I knew all along that this was an opportunity for me to look at myself and my life from a higher perspective, and while I was very sorely tempted to just respond with only my second, sexual chakra, I also knew that this was about something much bigger.
BWM was the catalyst for igniting my passion and waking me back up to myself. It was not about him. It truly was about the catalyst it has been for me. I am not sure how it affected him. I had hoped that I was a catalyst for him too, and that he would come into his heart and melt away his rigidity and need to be right. I have seen him as a polar bear, standing on a piece of ice that was getting smaller and smaller. His world was getting smaller and smaller, and while scared and not knowing how to change himself in the rapidly changing world, all he had to do was come home into his heart. Then, he could swim in the cold waters for as long as necessary. He would be okay. Actually, he would be more than okay. He would be alive, thriving, loving, and connected. As far as I know, he has not chosen that. He is still the same, stuck in his resentments and being right. This is both very personal to him, but also universal to the Big White Males, just in case you missed that. Bless him and his choices.
Yet it took that BWM energy to be the catalyst for me. I am curious why that energy and how does it relate to money?
BWM energy is money, for me. It is what is familiar and what I grew up around. I am attracted to it and repulsed by it at the same time. Push – pull. The split.
There is the preppy, East Coast, Middlebury side of me. There is, as much as I hate to admit it. There he is. I have chosen to reject that side of me, and focus on the spiritual, Boulder, granola, organic foods, Colorado side of me. Either – or. How do I love, accept and have compassion for the BWM side of me? Really? How do I heal the split with him? How do I engage directly with him?
I get kind of a sick feeling in my throat as I sit with this. Yet this is the crux of it. Without him, I cannot and will not be able to generate income, receive income, earn income, allow income. It’s that simple. So I need him. Damn it. I need him.
And he needs me for his own healing.
It’s a two way street.
Sitting with the questions. OK. My intention is to cultivate compassion and acceptance for Money and myself, to heal the split with Money and myself, and to engage directly with money and myself. Ah ho.
Thank you.
Suseya!
Sahara
6am and the sun is gently shining in through my window. Sun! We are so spoiled here in Colorado that more than 3 days without sun and we start to get a little grumpy. Loved these past 3 days of rain – I feel as though I am invited and supported by Nature to go within, stay quiet, do inner work, do work that requires creating, thinking, and being with. The rain creates and opens up time for me. My schedule changes. This past weekend I thought I was going for a 6-mile hike along the Mesa Trail. Instead I stayed in my pajamas all day, watched the World Cup, and with my computer in my lap, worked on and wrote my landing page for WEALTHY Woman. I didn’t feel rushed. I got to create and write in a way that felt very natural and much more about the process than about the product. I love getting to create like that. It feels natural, supported, rich and deep and then the product reflects its creative process, and is much richer and deeper in its final expression.
I am reflecting back on my string theory theory from this past weekend, and how I wanted to “figure out” some of my strings so that I could understand them, and basically change them. When will I learn that “figuring out” doesn’t work for me any longer. It is not a rational, intellectual exercise. I have come to more deeply understand my string with being married with Steve, and it wasn’t through figuring it out. It was through walking and sharing with him, being open and vulnerable, receiving Turtle medicine, engaging with a forgiveness exercise – all of this has contributed to a rich and deep understanding and revealing of what one of my core string theories in my life.
STRING THEORY on MY RELATIONSHIP with STEVE
First let’s start with chronology of events to help. Love Steve –> independent, financially responsible and successful –> went to Feathered Pipe Rance in Montana for summer –> still with Steve –> not wanting to give up independence –; allowed myself to be convinced of EITHER I marry Steve OR I have to break it off with him –> married Steve –> felt energy drain out of my body –> gave my power away –> gave my independence away –> became a “wife” –> unconsciously engaged in a generational dynamic –> gave up being financially responsible and financially successful (you have to support your husband and put him first no matter what; you have to feed his male ego – these words were actually said to me as counsel, advice and this is how you do it) –> “good” wife –> “good” mother –> “good” mother –> “good” mother –> “good” mother –> taking care of others and putting others first –> everything’s fine –> kind of doing my thing/ not really –> falling back on being a “good” mother when challenged –> CATALYST –> tear in the fabric of my relationship with Steve –> challenging – alive – ripped open – alive – questions – tears – heart wide open – alive – awakened body – alive –> became a coach. trained as a Financial Alchemy coach –> remembered my dream to walk the Camino –> Own It, Sister! –> turning 50 –> walking the Camino, traveling the Celtic Camino –> pilgrimage of initiation –> radio show –> WEALTHY woman –> healing the split –> WEALTHY woman –> pilgrim –> pilgrimages –> WEALTHY woman workshops –> Celtic Camino –> pilgrim leader
My plan to be the good mother and the good wife was working perfectly until the catalyst and life changing experience happened. My string theory was be a good, loving wife –> be a good loving mother –> take care of everyone else’s needs first –> I am a good, caring, loving, unselfish person –> all is good, all is fine –> all is contained –> I fit in –> I am normal –> I accept, fit into, and am part of the dominant paradigm of marriage–> I am loved –> I am accepted –> I am fine –> I am an integral part of my family –> I am loved –> I am wanted –> I am loveable –> I am okay –> I am fine –> all is fine.
I have an image of building a mountain with sand on the beach and patting it down with wet sand, making sure that it holds its shape, is molded, strong and won’t crack open.
Then the catalyst happened and it was like a volcano that exploded the sand mountain. It blew it wide open and left nothing untouched. My basement was majorly flooded; my cat was seriously injured and was missing for a week or so before she found her way home; the foundations and assumptions of my marriage were thrown wide open, and I wasn’t sure who I was, what I wanted, or how to integrate the feelings, passions, and aliveness that were coursing through my body into my body and my life.
Who knew that there was molten lava brewing in the belly of the mountain? Who knew that there was a belly in the mountain?
And that when left unattended and unacknowledged, it quietly builds and builds until it can’t contain itself any longer. It explodes, leaving a gaping wound and a trail of destruction in the flow of the lava. Have you seen Mount St. Helens up in Washington? Oh my god. There are before pictures of this perfect cone shaped mountains surrounded by forests of evergreen trees. Now, there is a massive mountain with its top blown off, and miles and miles of desolate landscape where there used to be trees, green and vegetation. It is an entirely different landscape. What I was left with was a deep awe and respect for the power of Mother Earth. She is not be unattended or unacknowledged. She is not to be dismissed, or tamed, or neglected. She is not to be made into a single dimensional, flattened landscape. She is round, and full, mysterious and powerful, capable of anything, beautiful, multidimensional, wild, precious, and alive. She is alive. She is Gaia. She has the power and the force to blow up a massive mountain. She has the love and the tenderness to cradle her creatures in her bosom.
She is Kali. She is Lakshmi. She is Saraswati. She is Durga. She is the Goddess. She is woman. She is me. I am Her.
Looks like my string theory just got blown up by the volcano. Yet it still is what I try to come back to out of my fears of being unloved and alone. My gut feeling is that Kali won’t let that happen again. She will come back with a vengeance and blow everything up again if need be.
I must and I get to listen to, acknowledge and honor the passionate and alive part of me that woke up 4 years ago. She is Peregrina, the pilgrim, the adventurer, the dreamer, the one with the big, round, beautiful belly. She is the WEALTHY woman.
She is the woman who gets to create a new, empowering string theory or perhaps doesn’t need one at all. She is the one who creates from nothing, without expectation or attachment…No. She is the one who follows the thread of her life. A string may have been taking her in a certain direction following its predictable path. Then along comes an experience that shifts and transforms everything. The direction of the thread shifts and jumps to a much higher vibration of expression. She jumps on, fully present in the moment, recognizing and giving thanks for the previous threads for getting her here, but without attachment to what they meant in the past. She weaves and creates with the current threads, bringing all of herself to the experience. She trusts in the threads, in herself, and calls on those around her to love and accept her too. She has offered the invitation and knows that she is loved, she is lovable no matter the responses. She would love for her loved ones to join her on this journey, and yet with a deep wisdom, realizes and accepts that they have their own threads too. She has given up the need to be loved and accepted by everyone to feel okay about herself.
Some of this past paragraph feels like it’s at the top of my awareness and hasn’t even really started to sift down, almost as though I am trying it on for size. I am going to just let it be for now, and let it sift. I have lived my life from the outside in, desparate for the love and acceptance of others. This has been my undoing. This has been where I have separated and split off from myself.
This is the split.
Not only is the split vertical and horizontal. The split is 3 dimensional in that I split off myself off from others, and made them more right and more important than myself. Healing of the split comes back to fully loving and accepting myself, no matter what. FULLY, fully, fully loving and accepting all of who I am, all of how I express who I am, all of my body, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my emotions. ALL OF ME.
In total and unconditional love and acceptance of mySelf, there is no split. I am in my wholeness. I am rooted, connected, and anchored in my true self and all of the facets of my expressions. I am whole, perfect, divine, human, earthy, spatial, sexual, spiritual – ALL of the above. I love and accept myself. I love and accept others. I love and accept. Period.
I am home.
Suseya!
Sahara
Yesterday when Steve and I were walking out at Coot Lake in the rain, we came across a beautiful turtle. We were walking along the north side of the lake where we pass quite closely to some waters in the wetlands area, and I said outloud to Steve, “I would love to see the turtle again. I haven’t see her for years.” The last time I saw her was 8 to 10 years ago and she was swimming in one of the water holes down below the path. Still, there isn’t a time I walk by that spot on the trail without remembering her.
Steve and I were talking about our relationship. Steve had been sharing how distant he feels we are and that we are so separate. I was sharing how I don’t know how to be close and connected to myself and to him at the same time, when he said, “there’s the turtle.” There she was, right beside the trail, up from the water and by the last pole of the fence that protects the wetlands.
Isn’t she amazing? Ancient and primal. I wondered if she had come up from the water to lay her eggs.
We were so close we could have touched her. I acknowledged that we were being blessed by Turtle Medicine.
What is Turtle Medicine?
I started with she seems ancient. I could not see her path of where she came up from the water below, but where she was the mud had been moved and dug into with her powerful front legs. She was very still, but not withdrawn into her shell. She was right there for us, at the end of the fence, right next to the path. What was she gifting us? What message did she want us to hear?
I googled Turtle Medicine later in the day, and found some rich information very easily.
Icould include every word of the essay since it all felt to right, but here was the paragraph that stood out to me the most:
The energy of Turtle combines the energy of the sea and land or the emotions and the rational. While Turtles spend most of their time in water, they must come ashore to lay their eggs which for both Turtle people and for those that Turtle appears, indicates that they too need to come “ashore” from time to time in order to “lay the eggs” that will give birth to their future. At this time we can all begin to further understand the importance of both the emotional/intuitive and intellectual/rational process’s that are required for greater access to a sense of our own wholeness and to create our lives from that sense of wholeness. Turtle is offering itself as a bridge so that we may cross between the two with greater ease and safety. Those who feel more inclined towards acting from their intuitive and emotional side may find that they are better able to work with the rational in actualizing their dreams and visions when Turtle appears. Those who operate primarily from the mental plane, may come to appreciate and value the importance of the intuitive as a guide to help them reach their goals more rapidly. http://morningstar.netfirms.com/turtle.html
The turtle offers herself as the bridge between the either/or worlds. She is showing me that I can access both sides and both perspectives to bring them together/ Not only that I can access both sides of the either/or, but that I must engage both sides. Neither one is sufficient without the other. The time is now for both/and. The turtle is my guide and my medicine for weaving my wholeness.
As we came across her, I was sharing with Steve my split between loving and being connected to myself and loving and being connected with him – another reflection of the split and how it shows up in my life. I really feel that the Turtle showed up to show us that the split can be healed. There is a way for me to be deeply connected to myself (that includes honoring the time and space I need) and to also be connected to and intimate with Steve.
Her medicine meets and honors me on every level of the inner work I am doing right now to heal the split, and to reconnect with my wholeness. She is the reminder to slow down and not make big leaps across the split. She is the one who will gently and slowly take me into the cavern to explore the dark cave within my belly. using the wisdom and intelligence I experience on both sides of split to assist in the exploration.
The turtle is also the Navigator.
They can help us to navigate to the shore we are seeking to land upon when they appear. There is a wonderful book on dreams written by Robert Monroe – Dreaming True. In it he discusses the Polynesian navigation system known as “Waymaking” which basically consists of the following: You set your sight on a goal, in their case navigating the ocean from point A to point B but for our purposes point A can be anything your heart desires. You then focus on using all your inner senses to picture yourself there, your goal realized and you living in the middle of it. The Polynesians say to “Hold the vision in your mind or else you will become lost” as you begin your own navigation process. Notice one important point: The Polynesians do not urge one to focus on HOW to navigate the waters to reach point B! It is enough to simply HOLD that vision as firmly and strongly in your mind as you can, write it down if need be including all the senses such as taste and smell if applicable. If you do this consistently and with patience, the “how’s” will take care of themselves. You wil feel guided to take one small step here, another there, ideas will spring into your mind as to what actions to take. If you are truly committed and follow through on each step as it is presented to you, the navigation becomes effortless! As you complete one step, another will be presented. The timing will often depend on how fast you are willing to allow yourself to reach your goal. Rest assured that as each step is taken, more will be presented to you. http://morningstar.netfirms.com/turtle.html
This is such powerful medicine for me. I am so grateful to have received it yesterday, to have crossed paths with this beautiful and ancient creature, who is her silent presence, gifted me, gifted us with medicine more powerful and healing than any herb or drug. I trust that Steve will receive her medicine as well, for she was there for both of us.
I am in awe of the power of Nature and that when we open up ourselves and invite Nature is to co-create with us, She is right here to work (and play) with us in magical, synchronistic and unexpected ways. I am so grateful. I feel held and assisted. I know that I am not alone on this journey and that my prayers are being heard and answered. This feeling in and of itself is so healing and rewarding in its own right.
I just took a big, deep breath into my belly. I felt the air fill up the cavern, shine light on every nook and cranny, and bless it. Thank you.
I also want to include another image here – the image of the WEALTHYwoman. She walks with the Turtle, has healed her split, and has integrated all of who she truly is into her being. She has embelled into the cavern and and acknowledged and received her deepest gifts. She is embellied.
The Turtle and the WEALTHYwoman are intimately connected as they walk together. The Turtle is hidden in the grasses right beside her feet. I was actually taking the walk on my way to meet Tania, the artist who created this beautiful image for me, when I came across the Turtle. The animal realm is symbolized in this picture by the bumblebee who sits atop the flower on the right.
The Turtle is showing me how to open up to the deeper parts within myself so that I may receive. She is my guide to receiving which is the weak link for me in the law of circulation. I give, I spend, I put out a ton of energy to create, yet I haven’t received very well. I have kept the lid to my container closed. The paradox is the split is the opening to the cavern which is a huge container within me. I haven’t wanted to allow anything to go in there out of fear that some of the darkness and the shame would leak out. I have been trying to receive with my mind, my hands, my heart. Anything to avoid receiving with my belly. Thank you, Turtle, for walking with me into my belly, and assisting me to open up this beautiful chalice so that I can allow myself to receive my gifts and inner wealth, As I allow myself to receive these gifts, I simultaneously allow myself to receive the external gifts of beauty, bounty, abundance and financial income. As within, so without.
I feel so blessed, so held, so guided. I give thanks, I give thanks, I give thanks.
Suseya!
Sahara
It’s been raining all night. It’s luscious and green and very, very wet out there. I am supposed to hike the Mesa Trail (6 miles long) with Whitney and Jeanie this morning and have a delicious birthday picnic breakfast out on the trail, but you know, I’m really not feeling it. I would love nothing more than to stay inside curled up and get some work done on my computer and read a book. Wouldn’t that be loverly?! Perhaps we could even light a fire, but I bet the wood’s all wet. Here in Colorado a wet and rainy day feels like a great day to lay low, wrap up in a blanket and really relax. The sun is out so much (which I love) that when we do have a rainy day I feel as though I am really being asked to shift gears and give up “do” mode for awhile.
I am noticing that it is really hard for me to say “No, thank you. I really don’t want to go in this weather.” That I am waiting for either Jeanie or Whitney to say NO. Partly because they are doing this for my birthday – which was back in April! Partly because I don’t want to be the “wheeny” here. I want them to say no and then I can totally align with them on that. Really interesting to just notice this dynamic. I keep hoping that the run keeps up, and then it’s settled. The trail is going to be so muddy. But the pilgrim in me says that we walk no matter what the weather. I can feel all of these conflicting thoughts going around my head.
What is true for me right now?
It is a cold Colorado rainy day. I want to stay warm and dry in my home with my family, and I want to enjoy hanging out, a delicious cup of hot tea, a great breakfast, time to relax into something that I couldn’t have otherwise, and just time around my family.
This is what I want. Perhaps I need to have the courage to say this to them. Here they are doing this for me, and I am the one saying no, thank you, I really don’t want to go.
Hmmm….
This dynamic feels very familiar.
How is the split showing up here in this dynamic?
I used the language in my email to them both last night saying that “a part of me this…” and “a part of me that…” so even in my language I talk about these two unconnected parts of myself that want something very different.
It is difficult for me to come to my center to make a decision. I am waiting for others to make the decision for me. In writing that, I actually started to compose an email to send to both of them, and admittedly didn’t finish it, but got it started. Then got an email from Whitney saying let’s do it another day! Whew! Her concern was around destruction of the trails. I am just wondering if she doesn’t even go to whether or not she wants to do it. She has made a commitment so therefore she does it, and then uses her concern about the trails as the decider, or does she really not want to do it and uses the trails as a plausible excuse, not having to own what she really wants. I am wondering this because I can have committed to something, and say that I am going to do it, give it my word, and then once in a while, I will just say, you know what. I know I have my word around this, but no, I am not going to do this. I don’t want to. It no longer serves, or feels right or whatever.
What I am exploring here is being one’s word and being true to oneself. Who/what are we more committed to? Our word or ourselves? I know that this is not black or white. But at what point do we get to honor ourselves, pay attention to ourselves and what’s right for us? I am even thinking of this summer and for the first time, making plans way ahead of time to fly back east to visit Tori and the Raffenspergers. So pleased with myself for planning early enough to use frequent flyer miles, and now, here we are and I am wondering if we can go given Molly, our black lab, just being diagnosed with lymphoma. Can we say “no, we’re sorry. Our dog is dying and we just want to be home with her.” – if that’s the case by then.
Also, after just spending the evening with 3 of my dearest friends, I realized that the reason we were celebrating Jill’s March birthday in June was because the last time we got together, I bailed. I can’t remember the reason why, but I was exhausted, perhaps I had my period, and I just needed/wanted to be home, be quiet, and not have to go out and interact all evening. So I didn’t go- I honored myself and not my word, and while it was perfect for me, it definitely threw a wrench into their plans and intentions for the evening.
How do I honor myself and my word, my commitments?
Yesterday I met with Christiane for my first session of re-Wilding. Not a wild session at all, but a beginning of the “house cleaning” process. I didn’t even realize that my house needed cleaning. Well, not in that sense anyways! So interesting to experience another person’s perspective on you, because I am so in my experience for whatever it is that it is difficult for me to get a perspective on my experiences or how I experience my experiences. I know, I am talking in circles here. What I am trying to say is that I got that Christiane experienced me as kind of lost down these rabbit holes of stories and assumptions that I have made up about certain relationships and dynamics within those relationships. For example, that I experience a lot of angst and conflict around “who a good mother is” and if I go on a pilgrimage, then that means that my kids will think that I’ve abandoned them, that I don’t love them, that I put myself before them, that I don’t love them, that I am an unloving and uncaring mother, that I am a bad mother.
You know, as I write that, I see that I have a lot of these strings of assumptions about a lot of things, and that I have so figured it all out in my head that I literally stop myself before I get started. Wow. I had no idea that I did that. Well, yes I did, but I didn’t know that I knew that I did that!
Interesting. With the hike just being cancelled I just fell back asleep for over an hour. That felt good.
I also think that I was processing my own personal string theory. Let’s see what may have happened while I slept.
String Theory #1: Time and Space to Myself
I need a lot of time and space to myself right now. The way I have been creating or getting that is to wake up very early, write, meditate, have my morning practice, in my “green room”, my sacred space. To wake up early –> I have to go to bed early and I have to be committed to this time for myself –> I have to be focused on myself –> I have to put me first –> I love to sleep by myself –> I put my relationship with Steve second –> I pull back from Steve –> not have sex with Steve –> Steve will then think that I don’t love him –> then I am a bad wife –> lose my marriage –> lose Steve’s love –> lose Steve’s support –> be all alone.
The short string version of this is when I take time and space for me I will end up all alone and not loved.
String Theory #2: Mesa Trail Hike this morning
It’s rainy and wet out –> it’s a perfect day to stay at home –> but I made a commitment to go on hike –> must go no matter what –> don’t want to go –> if I take the responsibility –> then I am breaking my word –> I am a weak person –> a not committed person –> I let my wants, hopes and desires rule my world –> I am not a committed person –> I am a weak person –> I am a bad person –> I am unlovable and unlikable –> they will not like me –> they will think that I am a weak person –> they will know that I am a bad person –> they will not want to be in friendship with me any more –> they will not want to be in business with me anymore –> I will no longer be a part of OIS –> I will be kicked out of the business –> I will be rejected –> I will be all alone –> I will be unloved –> I am alone–> I am lonely.
So if I am the one who makes a decision for me to not go on the hike because it is rainy and wet, I will be all alone, unloved and lonely.
Wow.
That’s quite a leap, and I do it so quickly, and so automatically that I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. The image I keep seeing in my mind is me jumping over the split from one side/extreme to the other. I jump over the cavern in the middle where all of the juice, feelings, richness is. I do this to avoid the messiness in the middle. I have used the split as my way of keeping things in either/or so I don’t have to deal with the truth in the middle. “If” is one side, and then there is “then” on the other. That simple, that clean.
So the split hasn’t just happened to me. I helped to co-create the split so that I could keep everything as neat and clean as possible. I like “if/then.” This is quick and clean Cause and Effect in action. I am feeling very uncomfortable at becoming aware of the string in between. Yet this is the realm of what I don’t know that I don’t know. This is the realm of the split.
The split is just the opening, like the mouth of a cave. It looks just like a split in the rocks but when you slip inside and turn on your light, you realize that you have stepped into a mammoth cave full of twists and turns, passageways, jewels, stalactites and stalagmites, water, bats and other creatures of the cave. It is rich with life, darkness and mystery. To seal up the opening is to lose access to this rich resource of magic, mystery, wisdom and wealth.
Oh my god, this is where I have to go. This is where I get to go with Christiane. She is my guide in the cave, in the cavern of my belly. It is not so much about the shame. It is about the mystery, the luscious and rich unknown that is within me, within my belly. It is my richest resource.
This is what it means to “EMBELL” Similar to rappel which is a method used to move down or over a rock face or overhand on its surface. Embell is to explore deep within a cavern, container or oneself; to recognize and receive the gifts and jewels of the experience; and to integrate, embody and express these gifts into all of who one truly is, coming back up into the world whole, connected, and integrated.
It sounds like Persephone’s journey, doesn’t it? It sounds like the heroine’s journey that is a spiral. We return to the outer world with more of who we are connected and integrated. With each visit to the inner world, we expand and deepen ourselves. We embelly ourselves. We become embellied.
This is what’s possible for each of us, for all of us. Even men, for as David Sye of YogaBeats said last week, men have a womb too and can access the same deep wisdom that women can. I will post that video here when I get it because it is so rich.
My cavern opened up to reveal itself in this blog. My intention is to become aware of my string theories as they present themselves in my everyday life. This should be an interesting day!
Suseya!
Sahara
I woke up a little later than usual this morning so only have a little time to write, so I’ll focus on the physical perspective on my belly. I have obviously been doing a lot of work on the other levels of the split. Working on the split with money has been very healing in that the split becomes very large and cavernous when it comes to money. I feel as though the past few days that I have woven a few threads of wholeness and connection.
It’s interesting that as I write that, I noticed a difference as I was doing my nightly exercises before I went to sleep. It seemed that my transverse muscle felt stronger. I could pull in more consistently to the back of my belly from a more deeply pulled in place to start. May not make much sense, but my movements are becoming more controlled, more consistent, and deeper. My belly is feeling more contained. My belly is the beautiful copper chalice, and right now, I see lots of colorful and bountiful flowers flowing out of the top!
Here’s another image of a beautiful women.
Notice her belly!
It is her powerful center. Life and love radiate from her belly. She is an EMBELLIED woman! She moves! She takes powerful strides, knowing that she is firmly rooted on Earth, in Nature. She is connected to the stars and reflects the radiance of the stars. Just look at her hair and her eyes. She holds a fire bird in her right hand – the spark of inspiration, the creative fire, the masculine. The masculine is with her, assisting her, guiding her. She looks right at you as an invitation to join her, to be her, to embody her, to embelly her. do you accept her invitation?
Notice that there is no split. The belly is whole, vibrant, pulsating. The spiral takes you deeply within, and it takes you back out to express what is deepest within you. It gives you access to the wisdom of your belly, the timeless knowledge of your body.
Do I accept her invitation? Do you?
She is asking me to take bigger steps forward, not to only take baby steps but to take steps that take me out of my comfort zone, out of the known into the unknown. See her left foot? Her stance is a committed stance – she is not wavering. She is powerfully moving in the direction to which she committed, and is truly inviting you and me to join her.
I can feel her in me. And still it is my choice to receive her fully, to dance with her fully, to walk with her.
I know that the steps that I would take with her are big and courageous steps. There is no hiding or playing small with her.
She is Peregrina.
And with that recognition, I accept her invitation, breathe in her to my being, and express her with radiance, joy and gratitude.
You may recognize me when you next see, although my colors may have changed. I have become the rainbow woman, sparkling and vibrant with the energy of life, and the beauty and strength of the feminine
Why don’t you join me on the path, on La Camina?
Suseya!
Sahara
Yesterday, I started the 21 Day Money Keys program and through writing honestly about my relationship with money on Sunday, I created my spiritual focus for the 21 days to be: to cultivate compassion for myself and my relationship with money so that I heal the split with money, engage directly with money, and become a significant income earner.
My financial focus is to commit to, complete the design and writing of, and confidently launch my coaching programs, workshop, pilgrimage and book by the end of the 21 days, and to generate/receive/manifest $1800 or more on or before September 1, 2010.
I share this here because it is so powerful for me to state my focuses and to share them rather than keep them hidden and private.
Before Sunday, I had not even realized that I experience a split with money. Now that I recognize this, it is so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. What’s fascinating to me is it is in my relationship with money that the split most clearly, persistently and painfully manifests in my life. I have split money from spirit; from what is important and necessary. Basically, I have so deeply split money off from me and my life and put all of the responsibility on Steve to make it. And yet, here I am, a Financial Alchemy Coach, co-founder of Own It, Sister which is all about us owning our relationship with money and claiming our wealth. Shouldn’t I know how to do this? I am embarrassed that I am not the accomplished expert around this. Then, I remind myself that we so often teach and lead in the areas that are the biggest challenge for us, and in Own It, Sister, we have in our mission statement, that we use our relationship with money as the “doorway to our feminine soul.” So here’s the doorway taking me to the next level of my soul to be revealed and healed. Thank you, and I just get to trust that my journey of healing will be a catalyst, guide and map for someone else’s healing with their split around money too. If so, then it is so worth it for me.
What would it be like to heal the split with money? There is something interesting in this question because as I ask it, I am actually looking beyond the split to the wholeness. I don’t know that I have actually done that before, at least not with something as tangible as money.
What would it be like to heal the split with money? What’s possible?
I decide what kind of relationship I want to create with money.
I create a direct, loving, adult relationship with money.
I show up as the empowered, creative, expansive, strong, clear, focused, committed woman who I am.
I show up as Peregrina, the expression of my Essential Self.
Money would have to be connected to Spirit and Nature. Money is spiritual and natural, and Nature and Spirit are money. No split. Healing the split within the split. Money brings spirit and nature together. Money and I are now together.
You know, I have all the tools for this with Financial Alchemy. I have my “new” money – the “who” my money is all of the above, but somehow I had fallen back into my old relationship with money and had become the victimized little child again. I guess this is my default relationship, and I have to consciously choose the relationship that I really want, every day. It’s like the exercises I do to strengthen my transverse muscles in my belly. I have to to do them every day. I have been doing them every day for 6 weeks, and I have to – get to – keep doing them. My split is old and deep so I am not like a new postpartum mom who gets to heal her split quickly and be done with it. I have to – get to - continue to do the exercises every day. I get to CHOOSE every day that I am committed to healing the split by showing up and doing the exercises.
How do I translate that to my relationship with money? It’s not so tangible.
Every day I do 5 sets of 100 contractions for my transverse muscle.
With money, every day I connect with my embodiment of money – my money person, who by the way, is Green Man. Do you know him? He is the archetype of man and nature.
Cernunnos
He dances the Moon with power and grace
Amidst the hills and trees, in His sacred space
A dancer moving swiftly between the realms
There in the leaves . . . . what do you see?
If you honor the Old Ways ~ it may be He
I love Green Man. He has shown up for me in so many ways. He is my inner guide who suggested that I walk the El Camino last year. His presence was in so many of the churches that I visited along the way, even in the church in England where my parents were married and I was christened. There he was, just waiting patiently for me to recognize him. When I do engage with him and allow him to embody money, money happens. Yet, all too often, I forget. I fall back into my old, victimizing, disempowered relationship with money.
It is not his responsibility that I am empowered and choose him. It is mine.
So perhaps that is the daily practice. I affirm on a daily basis at the beginning and the end of my day:
TODAY I CHOOSE TO BE PEREGRINA IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY, AND TODAY I CHOOSE TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH GREEN MAN. TOGETHER, WE CO-CREATE WEALTH, JOY, EXPANSION AND FINANCIAL SUCCESS AND PROSPERITY.
TODAY I, PEREGRINA, CHOOSE TO DANCE THE DANCE OF WEALTH AND FINANCIAL PROSPERITY WITH GREEN MAN. THIS IS OUR ABUN-DANCE! What is in my highest good to focus on today -facts, decisions, systems or actions? What will my focus be today?
What is the key to healing the split with money? To recognize that I am the one who is at choice, who gets to choose to heal the split, and to choose it everyday. What is really important here is not “who” money is for me, but who I choose to be with money. Do I show up as the wounded little girl or do I show up as Peregrina? This is the choice that splits the split or heals it.
As I write this, I so get that healing the split is my choice and my intention, and that I have to – get to – choose it every day. Old habits and patterns die hard. I don’t just get to say it once and be done with it. It is why I have to – get to – wake up early every day and write. It is part of my practice, commitment and intention to heal the split. I get to do the transverse exercises every day. These are 2 of my daily practices and commitments to heal the split.
TODAY I, PEREGRINA, DANCE WITH GREEN MAN in joy, celebration and delight. What do I focus on today out of this abun-dance?
Today I work through the Formula of Compassion with my old money, and with myself around money. This is essential before I can engage completely in the Abun-Dance with Green Man.
This is my commitment today.
Suseya!
Sahara
Have you had an animal show up and guide you, or point out something poignant to you, make sure that you’re paying attention to the moment, the place, the thought, the action? Often the animal will show up repeatedly as its way of guiding or reminding or highlighting. Sometimes its presence will just alert you to a bigger picture. It will remind you that Spirit has a role in what’s happening and to surrender to the process.
The bumble bee is one of my animal guides. It accompanied me on the Camino, the Celtic Camino and my time in England last summer. Every time that I saw or heard it, I knew to pay attention.
It first showed up when I was eating with Sue Kenney at a little restaurant in Toronto just before we were going to go the airport to fly to Madrid. It was on the window near our table and somehow I knew to pay attention to it. What was so interesting was that Sue didn’t notice it at all. Her animal guide for our Camino was the butterfly, even showing up on the cheap watch she bought so that one of us had the time.
There was this magnificent, large and loud bumblebee buzzing on the window, as if to say, “Here I am for you. Notice me. Pay attention to me. I am here to let you know that you are on your path and that all is well.”
Now I’d never had much interaction with bumblebees before this. Yet, on my pilgrimages, I saw bumblebees frequently. I would just be walking along and all of a sudden, there would be one dancing in front of me. I should get out my journal and see where I wrote about it, but I know that even at the time, I felt guided and somehow even protected by this small, beautiful animal.
When I was with my cousin in Somerset in England, we went to see this beautiful home and walk around its gardens. There was a flowery bush filled with buzzing bumblebees. I was so struck by how many there were. This is a picture taken by my cousin.
Their movement from one plant to another symbolizes the interconnectedness of all living things. The bumblebee is a messenger that holds the secrets of life and service. If your energy is scattered the bumblebee can show you how to regain focus. If it stings you, it is saying, wake up and follow the rhythm of your own heartbeat. When a bumblebee buzzes you it is asking you to follow its lead. In so doing you will arrive at the destination most appropriate for your new life awakening. Source: http://www.sayahda.com/cycle.htm
It is time to explore the split I experience with money. I have put off writing this one. Somehow it feels so revealing and raw to write about this split. It must be taking me to the next level of shame, embarrassment and nakedness.
Money has always been a challenge for me. My parents always struggled financially while I was growing up, yet we lived in the most expensive area, where 5 acres, barns and horses were commonplace. We rented a house for over 12 years that had been the farm manager’s house on a 16-acre farm with a 26 room mansion on other fork of the driveway. That’s an interesting visual metaphor of another split. Our driveway split at the top of the hill. To go to the mansion, you forked off to the right. To come to our small, one bathroom home, you took a sharp left turn that also took you past the most wonderful barn I have ever seen. It has since been transformed into a house that was recently written about in the Cincinnati newspaper.
I have always been around lots of money…in it but not of it. I went to a small, private and expensive college in New England, that my parents paid for even though it was a huge financial struggle. Between college and before getting married, I always got by and earned enough money to do what I wanted. I found jobs relatively easily, did what I needed to do to make enough – at one point, I even worked 2 jobs so that I could buy furniture for my apartment. I even saved enough money to quit my job, one time to travel to Australia for 6 months (with a little help from my father for the airfares) and then another time, to work as a cook at a yoga retreat center in Montana for a summer.
Something happened when I got married. I gave up my ability and my willingness to earn money. I have now been married 23 years, and I have worked various jobs and earned “play” money – you know, that kind of money that’s not really enough to do anything with except Christmas shop, buy things for the house, go out to eat – oh my god, it’s housewife money. Money that I can spend without being accountable to anyone, especially my husband.
Yuck, I’ve earned housewife “play” money for 23 years.
I have split off from my ability and willingness to earn income and money that is significant in the sense of being a real contribution to my family, being of a level that I can do anything of any real value with. I have split off from the value of money – earning it, spending it, investing it.
The paradox in all of this is that I keep very up-to-date and orderly records of our accounts, spending, bills, and what little investments we have. I use Quicken and have used it for over 10 years now. I don’t get it. I can keep great records and be on top of paying our bills, but I experience a disconnect between what the records say and what it really means in terms of our financial health, well-being, success and security. This is where the split is for me.
Money doesn’t mean anything to me, really. Actually, I don’t want it to mean anything. If I had it my way, money wouldn’t be necessary. We could all have and do what we wanted to have and do. Money wouldn’t become the focus of our existence and our life. Living true to ourselves, fulfilling our divine purpose, focusing on the quality of our relationships and our experiences would be the focus of our lives, not having to earn money for live by. Quite honestly, this whole money thing baffles me. I really don’t understand why we need money and why it has become the focus of our lives. I know, I know….there are all of the logical and rational reasons about why money, blah, blah, blah…but on a purely questioning level, I just don’t get it. And I would rather not have to deal with it, earn it, learn about it, be in relationship with it. I wish it would just go away and leave me to it.
This all must sound so simplistic and naive. Believe me, I know. I feel like a little girl around it all, like I just want Mommy and Daddy to take care of it all, or Steve.
I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MONEY. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO EARN IT. I DON’T WANT MONEY TO BE NECESSARY. I DON’T WANT MONEY TO BE A PART OF LIFE.
I WANT FOR EVERYONE TO BE ABLE TO MANIFEST WHAT THEY WANT AND NEED WITH EASE AND GRACE, WITHOUT IT BEING ABOUT THE MONEY.
I DON’T WANT MONEY TO MATTER.
TO PUT IT BLUNTLY, I DON’T LIKE MONEY. I HATE MONEY.
That’s a strong statement. And it’s the truth for me…the underlying truth. Oh, and here’s another layer to the split. Out of wanting to be “spiritual” about money and prosperity and manifestation, I have avoided telling myself the trust – that’s interesting, I just typed “trust” when I meant to type truth. Hmmm….I have avoided trust – I have avoided telling myself to trust myself, Instead, I have put my trust in what I should be like which is spiritual and la-la-la about money. I have split off from my lower chakras, from the truth in my body and in my belly, from the dark truth of what I carry around inside of me, and from my power and capacity to manifest and generate, whether it is money, wealth, experiences or whatever. In cutting off from my lower chakras, I have also cut off from my capacity to receive. The belly is our container in which we receive and re-circulate the flow of money, creativity, wealth and manifestation in the world.
So not only is my split vertical, it is horizontal also. It is the cross that I bear. Wow, where did that line come from?
The split in my belly is the essence of my life’s purpose. It is my personal reflection of the cultural and global paradigm of either/or that we have lived in for thousands of years. It is also the paradigm that is disintegrating along with all of the other structures and paradigms that no longer serve humanity. This paradigm is now evolving into an expanded and higher dimensional paradigm of both/and, inclusion, wholeness and unity. My mission is to contribute to the healing of the split within humanity and especially within women, and to heal the split in the body of the Earth. This is the intent behind the Celtic Camino. We will walk, and as we walk, we will heal the split along the chakras of the Earth that follow the Celtic Camino from Santiago to Rosslyn. As we each heal, and as the Earth herself heals and is healed, the split in the fabric of the Universe will heal also. Humanity will remember who we truly are and we will rejoin our rightful place within the constellations and the families of the Universe.
Somehow even money comes back to the split, to my body, and to my divine purpose here on Earth. I guess I can’t really continue to ignore it, because no matter what I do, or where I go, or what I avoid, or what I engage with, it all comes back to the same thing: healing the split and returning to my essential, natural, inherent wholeness.
So what’s my money story? Why do I hate money so much? Really? What is the loop that goes around and around that I am caught in like a rabbit in a trap?
A caveat here…I am a trained Financial Alchemy Coach. I have worked and worked and worked on my relationship with money, and still I am trapped in a web of story lines that have me by the short and curlies. I am telling myself that this work right now is because I am going to the next level of awareness and healing around my relationship with money. But really, what kind of relationship is it when I hate money and I do everything that I can to avoid it?
Bringing in Financial Alchemy, who is money to me? Money is mean, exclusive, ridiculing, arrogant, and downright nasty. Money thinks that he is better than anyone, not because of anything he has done or earned, but simply because he is money, he has money, and therefore he has authority, position, clout and stature. Money is a preppie, “old money”, snobby, horrible WASP-y 20 something guy who is following in Daddy’s footsteps, has doors open for him simply because of who he is, is really very ineffectual and nasty, and is only concerned for himself, his position, his money, his security. He treats people like objects. His heart is buried and cut off from his actions and his feelings. He is actually a very scary person in his lack of caring and compassion. He gives me the creeps. I don’t like him, don’t trust him; don’t want to be around him; and really want him as far away from me as possible.
O.K. I know this. I have known that this is who money has been for me. I have worked to complete that relationship and create a new, loving, empowering one. Obviously, this money still has his hooks in me or else it wouldn’t even be there for me to write about.
I know, I have some major issues and blocks around money! This is one of the biggest challenges of my life, and I am committed to taking my healing, the healing of my split to the next level. So here is all my issues, out in the open.
Money has been the worst of the worst for me, the ultimate bully, a heartless perpetrator. What is so weird is that I don’t have any conscious memories of ever being treated badly by anyone like this. This feels like someone who could have abused me given my reaction to him, but I can’t say for sure that any direct physical abuse ever happened to me.
So here’s my commitment and my intention:
To heal the split and walk in wholeness, compassion, love and gratitude with my relationship with money, finances, financial sucess and prosperity.
The time is now! I have allowed myself to be victimized for long enough. Who I truly am is Peregrina, and she lives connected to her divine mission, and does not allow a bully to thwart her, limit her, keep her small, or keep her off her path. She is the heroine and co-creator of her life. She walks her walk and heals, clears, and transforms any of the challenges and threats to her fulfilling her mission.
I just re-read the first part of this blog. I know what happened when I got married. I gave Steve the role of my interceptor with money. He could protect me from any harm. He would earn the money. I would no longer have to deal with money directly. He would have to do that. I could keep perfect records but that’s not dealing directly with money. That’s dealing with the record keeping, the story of what’s so around money. And if I just stayed clear of the meaning of the story, and engaged with it only from the waist up, or perhaps even neck up, then the numbers wouldn’t mean anything. Money wouldn’t mean anything, so that money could never hurt me, touch me, ridicule me or exclude me again. I made Steve the middle man, my knight in shining armour. Too bad I never asked him if he was willing to take on this role or give him a choice. I just unconsciously set up these dynamics that put the responsiblity and burden on him.
No wonder I have just earned play money all these years. It’s not real money so it can’t really hurt me, or mean anything, or count. It’s like playing Monopoly, or the game of “Life.” It doesn’t really count or matter.
But it does.
My life matters. My ability to earn money, to take my work out into the world and have it matter, matters to me. My work is not just a hobby. It is a reflection of my soul’s purpose and for me to continue to do my coaching, lead pilgrimages, be a host of a radio show, and everything else that I do, I have to, actually GET to earn, generate, cultivate, manifest substantial levels of income. Otherwise, I will have to go and get a job. The time is now to take responsibility and earn income, and in Barbara Stanny’s words, to become a “high income earner.”
It’s time to engage with money, be direct with money, and to be the heroine of my own story and of my battle with the dark side of money. I have only related to the dark side of money, and money, like all of us, hasa both a dark side and a “light” side. I fell like Princess Lea of Star Wars. This is my battle. My journey to heal the split. My opportunity to heal and transform myself, my life, my work and my relationship with money.
To confront the dark side of money, I have to connect in with my own dark side, with my underbelly, with the parts of me that are below the horizontal split. I get to, have to re-connect with my gut, my feelings, my truth, and trust what is there for me. I get to embelly all of who I am, and walk home to my wholeness.
Tomorrow I start a 21 Day course on Money Keys to heal the split between me and money. I am realizing that I have this huge split – a cavern – between me and money. It is fed by shame, not taking responsibility, wishing it wasn’t so, wishing it away, spending it anyway, pretense, denial, and living with my head in the stars and knowing that there is a better system, and living from that place rather than being here in this world now.
The course asks us to identify and name our spiritual intention and our financial intention for the 21 days and I have been having the hardest time with this which is in part why I wrote this blog.
What is the spiritual intention behind healing the split? Wholeness, Acceptance, Integration? How ironic is it that it is everything that I have been writing about all these weeks. And of course, why did I think that my relationship with money would be any different or separate from the core theme of my life – healing the split?
How do I heal the split when it comes to my relationship with money? What do I need to be willing to address? to confront? to challenge? to be open to? to own?
It is time to earn my own income that is at a significant level that it is “real” money, money that matters, money that contributes both to my family and to generating my true work, the pilgrimages. O.K. That is very clear. This is my financial intention.
Thank you for bearing with me as I explore my relationship with money. It is my achilles’ heel and where the split shows up quite ostensibly in my life. Here I am, a woman who’s owning it, a wonderful coach, a certified Financial Alchemy coach, a co-founder of Own It Sister,and creator of WEALTHY Woman Coaching. They say that the work we offer is what we need the most and that the deepest, richest most healing work comes out of our own healing path. I have to trust that my sharing and revealing this only serves to deepen my work and what I contribute and offer to the world.
Here’s to healing my relationship with money and owning, re-engaging with my willingness and ability to earn, receive, and generate income.
WooHoo.
Suseya!
Sahara
